9 Apr 2011

Home for the weekend

and I'm totally exhausted.

Walks taking this week: 1.
Hours working away in the studio per day: +10.
Work complete: 0.

It's only the end of week one so having no actual work doesn't phase me, its not why I'm there, but I do know I'll have some things completed my next week, so that's an exciting bonus. I'm working on something fairly big, my 'Some of her parts' project. I'm so super excited about how its going.  I have tons of documenting photos, but not the means nor time to put them up yet. Any spare time, mostly pre-bedtime, I've spent reading and preparing for this essay. I'm happy with my question and my research. My plan is a bit sketchy but I'm almost sure with all the prep in place, the writing wont be too hard. we shall see next week. Mostly I've been enjoying reading the amazingly big books on Louise Bourgeois I got. She's my new favourite favourite. I also learnt that Cindy Sherman made a movie. I've been trying to Download it but no such luck.

I've got a lot to do this weekend, re-shooting most of the footage today and also I've got some alginate home to play with. Got to have these things ready for next week, as I'll be super busy. Luckily I have 24 hour access to the studios so when my insomnia kicks I can just keep working. I hope people know I do this for no other reason than I love it. With the deepest of passions, I just want to make, remake, invent, re-invent, work, love, inspire and be inspired. If I Wasn't so lucky to get this opportunity, I would be doing the exact same thing... just without the facilities. I don't know why I care what others think. sometimes I think I sit on the fence even when it comes to my own arguments and life. I'm getting better at the whole confidence thing though and I trust myself and believe in my art. I really do value the opinions of others and maybe I just care so much because I want to hear them, and then I can do the not caring afterwards, perhaps.

I'll admit, there have been moments this week where I just wanted to come home... curl up in my own makeshift (pathetic) bedroom studio and wallow in my own self pity. I've felt so out of my depth and totally out of comfort zone. Its been a challenge, A real challenge, but one I'm glad to be doing. I've had to reassure myself so much: I do belong; I can make good things; I am intelligent. It's getting easier.

Anyway getting over most of that, I really knuckled down. Got a lot done on a structure I visualised using with the video (which is also going to be completely re-shot). I've learnt a wee bit about this and that and I'm feeling a lot more happier in myself. I've spent a lot of hours in my studio/on site/in workshops. Which is a complete turn around to the maybe 4 hours I'd sit at my desk in uni. Obviously its not that I don't work, its just my working methods. I don't like to be seen when in the 'making' process. I don't often show the real me either, but when I'm in that moment in my own space, I'm just entirely comfortable and free. A bit like in the Wizard of OZ, when the wizard is never seen, until the curtain is pulled back and its just this wee man, who's all scared and embarrassed like. He doesn't believe that such a wee man can be taking seriously to be the "great and powerful, wizard of OZ". Now I'm not saying I'm comparing myself to such a legend but in that moment with the curtain, sometimes I feel like that man: scared;waiting for the reaction and/or acceptance, but secretly knowing - I'm fucking doing this, I'm actually doing this (and in his case, "yeah so? I'm still the wizard of OZ... just in small man form and not big scary green firey thingy").

We're all just people, who share the same human emotions, needs, wants, what have you.

Anyway it's been good so say a few thoughts and check in, now I have to do some filming before Steph comes home from work. We're going to have a picnic in the garden :) and I'm just so happy to see her. She always knows the right thing to say.

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