With that said, I made a decision.
I quit my job, It's more of a leave of absent - a "break" is what we're calling it. With all the cuts and council in a mess I can see this being indefinite though. I have mixed feelings about this but there was such a huge wave of relief after my discussion with my boss that all other feelings hardly register.
Honestly... I'm not happy. And I'm finding it so hard to just say, so there it is.
I'm incredibly grateful for all I have, I'm so connected and in love with what I do and where I am in the art world. I would never give that up or jeopardise it, just to surrender to any mental illness/emotional disorder. I know I'm a strong person but there really are no ways to describe what depression can do to your head and physically too.
7 years ago I was first hospitalised with mental illness that was diagnosed as manic depression and PDSD. I spent 3 weeks on a ward. It was a truly terrifying experience, not just for me but my family too. I promised myself I would NEVER allow something to overcome me as strongly as that did.
With the burden comes a blessing. My determination and will. Not only to overcome, but to succeed and live. I believe that's what I've done ever since.
So to take it back to now, Its spotting things early enough to control it. I know I couldn't continue the way I was so I have to take a step back from the stress of work. It wasn't fair on anyone to be there. Today is my last shift and its with my film making group. We're lucky to have the support of SHMU. That way I know the group will continue and the young people will get a lot from it. All the same it will be hard.
Money will be so tight, and the summer will be a worry but for comedy value, here is a list of all the ways me and Steph have considered making money:
* Obviously first - sell commercial type photographic work, or fine art works, or book in a few children photo shoots. I wont do another wedding though.
* Sell things on Ebay.
* Play online poker. (I'm actually good at poker)
* Steph will play online *cough*Bingo*cough*
* Set up a day tarot reading phone line.
* use said phone line to run sex phone line at night.
* Become lab rats for medical science.
In all seriousness though, money will be a problem but its not something we are going to worry about to much. I've decided to drop my contract phone now that its ending and we will eat tesco value vegetable stir fry for 6 months.
I'm just grateful to be where I am, with the people I know and love. A weight has shifted and I feel like I can concentrate a bit better already.
Now I will bury this blog deep within the rest :)