sunshine

The other day My sister came to Aberdeen and we took Hayden and Baby Sofia to the beach. It was Sofia's first beach experience, which was too cute. So glad to have them in my life. I was also super glad to have a day away from all my study.

Oh dear

I week and a half its been. I'm so so busy that I'm finding it hard to keep up with myself. And its not even the good kinda busy, I've hit panic mode.

Even though I know I always get finished for a deadline I cant help but be totally stressed out. My projects are going to plan but I feel overwhelmed with the many components that make them up. I think I can safely admit defeat in that I took to much on at once. Silly Laura. If I pull this off, it wont only be worth it, It'll be a miracle.

I'm sort of humbled by the fact I'm not put off completing knowing fine well I might not even get to sit my final year. I think I've numbed myself of the thought because I really really really want to complete my degree. I think I've worked hard enough to deserve too. I hate money. I really really fucking hate it.

Steph's pretty sure she wont be doing her MLitt in creative writing. We cant afford it. plain and simple but it fills me with such disgust that the things we want most, the things that can further us, complete us and make us happy are the things we cant have. I fully believe she doesn't need the MLitt to make her a better writer. She just needs the time and focus and a community to actually get a decent amount down on paper.  It makes me sad that we cant just live how we want to live.

I think We should go live on an eco farm and work for ourselves and write and make art and just escape our impending doom.

Not really, we have the best super duper awesome idea ever and I really think we could get funding for it if we really tried. It would mean work on top of everything we're doing but we're gonna try. I wont say too much, but I think very soon I'll be getting really stuck into making our ideas possibilities .

For now though, I have about 4 projects to finish off in only 10 days, including this hot mess:

 Oh dear.

really don't know how I found the time but I did. I updated my website! cleared out lots of old stuff. Kept a bunch of old stuff and added lots of new stuff. Really just want to represent myself a little better. Not sure how long this site will be 'me' but I like it. Its a good balance of all the elements that make me up.

It was also a light relief from reading such heavy texts by John Milton, Susan Sontag and Julia Kristeva. I think my essay is coming together very nicely. I'm glad I took my time to work our exactly what needed to  come through and not just run with all my floating thoughts and grand essay ideas. In the end it's all relating and I think, I just think I have an argument I believe in, think about and makes logical sense to the rest of the world.

I still haven't discussed any more about my time away nor went through the photos, but all in good time, not exactly a priority. I feel really busy, I am really busy and it doesn't scare me, I actually quite like it. Mostly because all the things I need to do are things I enjoy. Well  maybe I can say that once this essay is in.

I'm very happy to be home and see Steph on a daily bases, even if it is just for a few hours (hard to believe that's all it, when we live together). London in June will be a such a nice break away, phew!

My sleeping is really bad right now. Last night in particular. I didn't get some sleep until 5am. Which would be fine if I didn't have to be up today. I need to find a way to fix it - without relying on concoctions of night nurse, tramadol and anything else lying about.

Anyway "great pate, but I gotta motor" if I'm going to get anything else done today.

OH and click!

Miranda July

One more reason to love Miranda July (as if we needed one).

These images are kids activity pages that she made for the magazine "Apartmento".

Miranda july says:

'Apartamento means “apartment” in the spanish language. A child living in an apartment might get bored, as children everywhere do, and might therefore need an activity to do. Please print out these pages and give them to the bored child immediately, before he gets into any more trouble.'

On the subject of Miranda July. I have her CD '10 mIllion hours a mile'.  Every so often in the 4 years of owning it I get crazy insanely jealous that I didn't make it. Its totally totally amazing. Its not music, its just pure amazing Miranda July-ness. I'm also lucky enough to have one of her early videos on VHS - t'was one of the best gifts I've received.

Fuck yes!

 Amanda Palmer - In My Mind.

I think I love the video, just as much as the lyrics. Quite beautiful. I miss Amanda Palmer.

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover
Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be.

And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I've become in-control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver

And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be.

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful,
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over

Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older

And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
That that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
That I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't want to be the person that I want to be.

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground

I'll start pounding the lid,
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
It says, 'I'm living in the moment'".

And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually
See
That I am exactly the person that I want to be.

Fuck yes.

I am exactly the person that I want to be.

Home for the weekend

and I'm totally exhausted.

Walks taking this week: 1.
Hours working away in the studio per day: +10.
Work complete: 0.

It's only the end of week one so having no actual work doesn't phase me, its not why I'm there, but I do know I'll have some things completed my next week, so that's an exciting bonus. I'm working on something fairly big, my 'Some of her parts' project. I'm so super excited about how its going.  I have tons of documenting photos, but not the means nor time to put them up yet. Any spare time, mostly pre-bedtime, I've spent reading and preparing for this essay. I'm happy with my question and my research. My plan is a bit sketchy but I'm almost sure with all the prep in place, the writing wont be too hard. we shall see next week. Mostly I've been enjoying reading the amazingly big books on Louise Bourgeois I got. She's my new favourite favourite. I also learnt that Cindy Sherman made a movie. I've been trying to Download it but no such luck.

I've got a lot to do this weekend, re-shooting most of the footage today and also I've got some alginate home to play with. Got to have these things ready for next week, as I'll be super busy. Luckily I have 24 hour access to the studios so when my insomnia kicks I can just keep working. I hope people know I do this for no other reason than I love it. With the deepest of passions, I just want to make, remake, invent, re-invent, work, love, inspire and be inspired. If I Wasn't so lucky to get this opportunity, I would be doing the exact same thing... just without the facilities. I don't know why I care what others think. sometimes I think I sit on the fence even when it comes to my own arguments and life. I'm getting better at the whole confidence thing though and I trust myself and believe in my art. I really do value the opinions of others and maybe I just care so much because I want to hear them, and then I can do the not caring afterwards, perhaps.

I'll admit, there have been moments this week where I just wanted to come home... curl up in my own makeshift (pathetic) bedroom studio and wallow in my own self pity. I've felt so out of my depth and totally out of comfort zone. Its been a challenge, A real challenge, but one I'm glad to be doing. I've had to reassure myself so much: I do belong; I can make good things; I am intelligent. It's getting easier.

Anyway getting over most of that, I really knuckled down. Got a lot done on a structure I visualised using with the video (which is also going to be completely re-shot). I've learnt a wee bit about this and that and I'm feeling a lot more happier in myself. I've spent a lot of hours in my studio/on site/in workshops. Which is a complete turn around to the maybe 4 hours I'd sit at my desk in uni. Obviously its not that I don't work, its just my working methods. I don't like to be seen when in the 'making' process. I don't often show the real me either, but when I'm in that moment in my own space, I'm just entirely comfortable and free. A bit like in the Wizard of OZ, when the wizard is never seen, until the curtain is pulled back and its just this wee man, who's all scared and embarrassed like. He doesn't believe that such a wee man can be taking seriously to be the "great and powerful, wizard of OZ". Now I'm not saying I'm comparing myself to such a legend but in that moment with the curtain, sometimes I feel like that man: scared;waiting for the reaction and/or acceptance, but secretly knowing - I'm fucking doing this, I'm actually doing this (and in his case, "yeah so? I'm still the wizard of OZ... just in small man form and not big scary green firey thingy").

We're all just people, who share the same human emotions, needs, wants, what have you.

Anyway it's been good so say a few thoughts and check in, now I have to do some filming before Steph comes home from work. We're going to have a picnic in the garden :) and I'm just so happy to see her. She always knows the right thing to say.

Day 1 - SSW

The other night I woke myself crying, quite hysterically. I had dreamt that my (unborn, non existent) baby had died, I was holding it my arms. Later, in the dream, I found myself entering a house where my grandmother (who passed away a few years ago) was, she was singing a baby to sleep. the dream has lingered this passed few days, much like all my dreams do, but never with this strange mystery.

Last night I dreamt I made a film just like a 'Gregg Araki' film. It was short but to the point, but with a sudden burst of extreme violence. I awoke with major tummy ache. There was a huge amount of detail in all the rooms, with bright colors and crazy 80's patterns. I think I'll write a screenplay and try film it in the summer.

Today is day 1 of my 'Scottish sculpture workshops' residency. Lumsden is quite pretty, despite it only being one street. I'm very happy to see greens again and have some fresh air. I think I'll be taking a few walks this week. In particular to see some old abandoned cottages up the hill.

I'm staying in a nice housie up the road with a few staff that work here. Everyone seems really nice so I'm feeling more relaxed. There are also 4 french students just started so that's also nice. I've got my own studio, which is massive and also an extra dark space just off it for my video work. It still feels really strange but I guess with only two weeks here, I'd best shake that fast.

I had my first meeting this morning, which went great. I feel a bit more excited about my ideas and past work, as it was received well, and they seem excited about it all. Perhaps I need to work a bit more on my articulation though. In fact I know I need too. It's a wonder anyone understand what the hell I'm on about.

I find it funny that my work is so out there sometimes and I'm so um... awkward?! Socially I totally am, until I get to know people. I never used to be this way and I don't really know why I am. I can be confident though and change myself to suit a situation... it's just not entirely comfortable. I don't want to be anyone I'm not, but I also don't want to be like this anymore. I think this residency will be good for more than making and developing my practice.

Oh the sun has come out again, so on that note.